[00:00:00] The following episode mentions suicidal ideation and depression. If you or someone you love is struggling, please dial 9 8 8 or text talk to 7 4 1 7 4 1. Welcome to the average nineties GAL Podcast. Join me as I share my own journeys through life, how I got and continue to get through them, as well as real stories from real people in this crazy world.
Let's get through it together.
Hello, you, amazing human you. This is Meredith, and this is episode two of the Average nineties GAL podcast. Thank you so much for being here and listening. [00:01:00] So today I am sharing my story because once again, why would I have this podcast in the first place? And once again, it is really to share with the world and share with anyone who is possibly going through a time or has gone through a difficult time and still really struggling to get through it, to get through the fire, to get to the other side.
And it is because I understand what that is like. I understand and I know, and in many ways I'm still going through it because we are always going through it. We are always going through something and everyone has a story to tell. Everyone is going through something, which is one thing too, to just take a pause and remember.
I. Anytime you see anyone on the street, whether they are a stranger, [00:02:00] whether you know them, they're an acquaintance, they're a friend, someone is going through something, whether you know it or not, and it may not be astronomical, it may not be something huge and life altering. And life changing, but that doesn't matter, does it?
It really doesn't matter. Everyone has something that they're going through. I think it's really important to remember that, and I think we'll have future episodes about that. And when I speak to guests, we'll talk about that as well because I think it is something really important, and especially if you are a parent, it is really important to relay that to your children as well, because it is really hard to look outside of ourselves sometimes, even in this world where everything is coming at us and we feel like we know everyone.
We really don't. So that's just a little side note. [00:03:00] And so I really wanted to go into my story a little bit because I will be going into episodes to speak to different tools, different ways, different types of support that helped me get through everything and what I hope will help you or someone you love.
Maybe what helped me will not help you, but I will also speak to other tools and support systems that have helped others as well, so that possibly you can figure out what will work for you or to pro. Possibly send this to a loved one and it will help them. This is all about helping each other, so I figured.
Why not share my story first before I go into those episodes so that you aren't thinking, who the heck is this and why [00:04:00] does she think she knows this? And it is because I have actually lived it. I am living proof of someone who has mentally and emotionally. And ever since, hello, perimenopause, physically been through things as well as other physical things and health things as well.
So anyway, this is why I am doing it. And I also have to say that just because I am not a celebrity or. Someone who is a expert that has written a million books or anything like that, doesn't mean that I can't share this with the world. And I'm saying that too because I was on a group, uh, text with friends of mine and I will say I'm not friends with them anymore.[00:05:00]
This isn't the only reason, but it was probably about a year and a half or two years ago. Now, when I, as you know, I said to some, I said to the group and to one person in particular, Hey, well, we should start a podcast. We would be hilarious and we should share our stories because we had been through very similar stories.
And another friend on the text. Um, chain said, what makes you think that you can do that? Meaning, what makes you think that you could start a podcast? And that really set me off first. I got really pissy and angry about it. I have to admit, I thought, oh my God, why would a friend say that to somebody? And it, and this isn't kind of like a revenge podcast or anything.
It really made me [00:06:00] think At first it was very much about me and it was very much about my reaction to her text that I thought, oh wow, she's not really a friend at all. If she's saying something like that, how unsupportive is that? When really I realized much later I. It was more about her, it was more about how she felt about herself and it actually meant that she felt she was not worthy or pop or you know, not popular enough.
It sounds so high school, but that she, that's something she couldn't do, but, and so then it projected onto me of what makes you think you could do that? And. As these years have gone by, and I've always wanted to do this, I thought, why not do [00:07:00] this? Why not use this platform to help other people? So all that to say is that my story is of course my story, but that we all have one.
And if you want to share your story. I encourage you to do so because we all need to hear that we are not alone and that we are all going through something now onto what that story actually is. And, uh, I'm not gonna start way in my childhood or anything like that. I'm going to start with the time in my life that I was in.
The deepest and darkest point of my entire life so far, and that time was in the first year after I gave birth to my son, [00:08:00] and that was in 2011. I was in deep postpartum depression on top of the fact that my husband was cheating on me. I. And gaslighting me. And I know that the term gaslighting is used a lot in different shapes and forms, but this was definitely gaslighting because when I would confront him about it, he told me I was crazy, literally.
So even though I knew something was going on, I knew that he was cheating. He kept telling me that I was crazy and that it wasn't happening. And I will say that when you're in. The middle of that, while you're also completely alone with a newborn child, you and any mothers out there, and if you are a new mother and you understand what I'm speaking about, [00:09:00] please go out and speak to someone and let someone know you are struggling.
And the reason I say that is because I was hiding everything. I was not. Speaking to anyone about it. I was not telling my friends, I was not telling my family. My family at the time was actually across the country in California, so I was in all of this deepest, darkest despair all by myself, all while trying to take care of a newborn baby.
Yes, my husband was kind of around, but he was working and. Let's just say it. He was also out with this other woman, and I will say disclaimer on the side, my ex-husband and I are fine now, but this was back in 2011 and this is 2025 [00:10:00] and it took a very long time. So disclaimer there, I just want you to know that my ex-husband and I, we get along totally fine and part of that is my process of what I went through to get here today.
So I wanted you to know that now. So going back, I, I had suicidal thoughts. I was in. Total and complete darkness, and it really was despair. It really was sitting there regretting my previous choices, regretting my life, resenting my life. And I have to say that resentment was a huge part of my life [00:11:00] for a.
Quite a while after all of that. I say the first year is when it was the darkest times, but it continued on. It did continue on because of just the fact that I took a very long time dealing with everything that I was going through. So I'm saying all of that to let you know that if you are going through anything like that.
If you know anyone who is going through that, especially if you or someone you know is going through postpartum depression. Postpartum depression doesn't necessarily have to mean right after you give birth. You can suffer and struggle with mental health conditions and serious depression when you are a new mom at any stage really.[00:12:00]
Because as all the moms out there know, you go through different stages and I will say it is just like other relationships as well. If you do not face it, head on and tell someone and seek out help, then. You are going to prolong your struggling, and that's exactly what I did. I did not go to therapy. I once again didn't tell anyone because I also felt because I was a mother, even though I wasn't telling anyone about the cheating either.
None of that, even though that's another layer on top of layer on top of layer of issues, which. Uh, if you know anything about mental health struggles and men mental health crises and uh, suicidal ideation, it's about the layers of everything that's not being addressed, that just pile on top of each other that can lead to suicidal [00:13:00] thoughts.
So, back to everything that was going on, I, because I was a mother thought. That if I told anyone what was going on in terms of just the struggle that I would, that people would have, uh, judgment about that I actually, from certain people in my life, I won't say who, but I had people in my life when I even mentioned after the fact that I had postpartum, they said, what?
How is that even possible? How could you struggle after having a child? It's the greatest thing in the world. So the judgment even continued after I was going through it, which is just so wrong. If you are going through this or you know someone who's going through this, it is not wrong. There's nothing wrong with the person.
They need extra support. They [00:14:00] need you to help them. They need someone to come and watch the kids so they can leave for a little bit and go and see a therapist. Go and move and just be themselves because that is the next part of it. I completely lost who I was and let me tell you, it is the worst feeling you can possibly imagine,
and I'm getting emotional even. 14 years later because it was so, so hard, and it took, I would say four years for me to feel like I was myself again. And as I said, we will get [00:15:00] to that. And how I did that in future episodes that I hope will help anyone out there. That it won't take as long for them or for you if you are listening.
And it really, when I say, I mean I, it's not just even just being stuck or just being lost. It is literally for forgetting who you are. And let me say that it is quite the struggle to. Raise a child to go through a really bad relationship situation and a separation and then a divorce. It is hard to get back to who you truly are when you don't even realize how long.
[00:16:00] It took you to lose that person or how quickly it took you to lose that person. Really, sometimes it could feel like all of a sudden a season of your life goes by and you have no recollection of who you are, who you were meant to be, and. What it takes to get back onto that path, back to yourself. What I like to call my soul's path, and I know my authentic self is everywhere, and that is so true.
Who are you? Who is your authentic self? So that is a big chunk of the story that I'm going to tell today. Of course, there's a lot more than that in terms of all the things, all the intricacies, everything that led to that point. That is something we can go into in the future. [00:17:00] But the, I just wanted to share all of this with you just so that you understand where I'm coming from.
Where I had to start before I started to lead back to myself, and I am very proud of myself for everything that I've done. I also just want to let you know that you are not alone. If you are listening to this and you understand my story, whether you're a parent or not, it doesn't matter if you have completely felt like you have been in a situation or that because of some childhood trauma that may have happened to you, that maybe you never really figured out who you are.
Maybe you are still. Struggling to find the person you truly are and the life you are meant to live. Because we are [00:18:00] all worthy of living the life we are meant to live. The person we came outta the womb as who is that person? And no. So no matter what your story is, if you feel that way, if you have been there, if someone you love is there.
You are not alone. And the first step I would take is to acknowledge that to first acknowledge, oh my God, I, I don't know who I am. And I don't mean I'm a mother, I'm a wife. I am a husband, I'm a daughter. I'm a this, no. Who are you? Who are you? Just put your hand to your chest and close your eyes and just think, who [00:19:00] am I?
What is it that I am here to do? And I don't mean, you know, changing the world or anything like that, but what deep down inside of you. Needs to come out so that you can show your light to the world that you are meant to do. That is what I still am on this journey to figure out, and I feel like I'm getting there.
I'm much closer, so I am here to help anyone find that light the way that I have gotten closer and closer to finding mine and getting back on that path back to you. So thank you for listening. I appreciate you and I appreciate all of the support that I have received from everyone in my life. Thank [00:20:00] you so much.
I love you. And in the show notes, there are some links and information to anyone who is currently struggling, including links to postpartum and maternal mental health. Organizations. Thank you so much. You amazing human. I hope you're having an amazing day. [00:21:00] [00:22:00] [00:23:00] [00:24:00] [00:25:00] [00:26:00] [00:27:00] [00:28:00] [00:29:00] [00:30:00] [00:31:00] [00:32:00] [00:33:00] [00:34:00] Bye-bye.
