[00:00:00] Welcome to the average nineties GAL podcast. Join me as I share my own journeys through life, how I got and continue to get through them, as well as real stories from real people in this crazy world. Let's get through it together.
Hello and welcome to the average nineties G Podcast. I hope you are doing well. And in this episode, I am kicking off a series that I would like to call Transform From Within where I am going to do. A few, I don't know how many yet solo episodes, all about how we can transform ourselves from within to get through everything [00:01:00] that is holding us back, that is stopping us and keeping us from becoming who we came here to be and from what we know we want to accomplish in this life.
If we want to transform our lives on the outside, we must first transform within. There is no way around it. We have to confront it and surprise you are the one who is stopping you. You are holding yourself back. You are keeping yourself from your dreams, and that may be really hard to hear. But I'm just going to lay out all the truth bombs, by the way, on all these episodes because you cannot think that anything that is going on in your life is all [00:02:00] because of everything on the outside.
You really are stopping yourself. And yes, there are things that are out of our control. I'm not saying that anything that you do not have control over that's happening in your life is because of you or is your fault or anything like that. But let's face it, usually anything we want to accomplish in our lives or if we are not following.
Our dreams if we are not going after what we know we want, but we are just stopping and stalling and freezing, that is because of us, and that is what these episodes are going to be all about. So full disclaimer also that I am not a therapist. I'm sharing how I got through my own roadblocks in the hope that it will help others.
But please [00:03:00] see a mental health professional if you are struggling with a situation or addiction that requires professional help, a mental health professional, and talk therapy can be extremely useful and helpful if there is a very serious issue in your life that you are going through. You need extra help.
This series and these episodes are to just get the ball rolling in, the noticing, in the addressing and in all the ways that you can tap into yourself, as well as take everything out. What's inside? To clear the space to let new situations and let change in. Once again, we cannot change the outside of ourselves, our [00:04:00] environment, our world, what we believe in.
We cannot change any of that until we look inward. So that's what this whole series is about, and I hope it will help you and anyone who you think that this may help as well. So the first part, and this is very. Important that we start here. So if you, if you are listening to this maybe out of order or you listened to another one and now you're listening to this one, just know that this really is part one.
It's really, really important to begin at the beginning. This first one, I like to call it putting the mirror up to nature to quote Hamlet. And of course, Hamlet meant specifically art. The play he was speaking about the mirror up to nature, that art and [00:05:00] everything that we put out there should reflect reality.
When I'm saying the mirror up to nature, I'm saying our nature, putting the mirror up to ourselves and seeing the reflection, putting the mirror up to our life and how we look at life, how we look at others. How we look at our lives, others lives, ourselves, other people, and then how it reflects back to us.
So that's what I mean about the mirror up to nature. How is everything reflecting back to you? Because everything that you put out, reflex back to you. I'm gonna say that again. It is really important as we go into all of this, and not just this episode, but future episodes as well. That you realize that everything you are doing and saying and posting and consuming reflects back to [00:06:00] you, and you are absorbing it.
If you think that you are actually getting rid of anger and limited beliefs and opinions, if you think that putting it out there means that you're getting. Rid of it off of yourself onto other people. That is absolutely not true, and I will speak on my own experiences as well, just to show you how I got through it and why I am even talking about this.
I, because I am not saying that I never did any of this. I'm saying that I have done all of this. And how I figured out what worked for me in terms of dealing with putting everything back on me and how that was controlling my actions and my life and how I felt about myself. And once I figured out how to get [00:07:00] through it all, it completely transformed me and I'm still going through it.
We go through it every single day. But once again, it's in the noticing. It's in realizing it. And once you do realize these points that I'm going to start talking about soon, I promise, once you start realizing it, the quicker you can stop it and the quicker you can transform your thoughts and then totally change how you're thinking about something completely change how you're thinking about a situation or how you're feeling about a situation.
And when you change that and turn it around, oh my goodness. Everything shifts inside you and then you're just walking around throughout your day as a very different person. So that is why I want to share this with you and start this, this series in the hopes that it will help you notice and [00:08:00] change as well.
So the first is blame, shame, and limiting beliefs.
When I talk about a mirror up to nature, think about that also in terms of blame, and I want you to think about yourself when I start talking about all of this. Think about yourself, about your own life, where you put blame on others. As well as blame on past circumstances. Current circumstances, of course, on people, but people you know and people you don't know as well as places.
Do you find yourself blaming another place that you've been to or that you've lived in, or that you've had an [00:09:00] experience in? Are you blaming any of that for something that has happened in your life? Or are you blaming something or someone or something, or a place or a circumstance for something that's happening in the world for something that has happened to someone else?
It doesn't necessarily have to be about you, but I really want you to start thinking about how. You are pointing your finger at these things at people. It's usually people, let's be real. But just know that there are circumstances and places that we can point our fingers at and say, well, this happened because of that.
And I want you to also visualize, visualize the first thing that comes to your head that you are. Pointing at and putting blame towards [00:10:00] if you can, if you're not driving or doing something else, if you can't even close your eyes. But even if you can't just picture your actual finger pointing at this person, place, or thing that you are blaming right now for something that has happened to you personally.
Now I want you to visualize that negative energy coming through your body, through your arm, and through your finger out towards that person, place, or thing. And then I want you to visualize it coming right back to you. That negative energy is coming right back through your finger and your hand, and your arm, and into your heart.
And that is what is happening. When you're pointing your finger and blaming other things and other people for what has [00:11:00] happened to you, it is coming right back at you. You are not actually sending it out. It is all within and you are stopping yourself from moving forward or from changing your life circumstances.
Because you are fully connecting everything to that outside source. There is no cutting of that negative energy cord that you have going on. If you are constantly just thinking, well, that happened because of this, and that is why this is going on in my life. The reason why I am not following my dreams is because that person stopped me from doing it.
That person is ruining my world. That neighbor is just messing up my entire existence because they're loud all the time, or I'm just coming up with [00:12:00] things obviously. So an example for my own life is for those who know my story. If you don't know it, you can go to the beginning episodes where I talk about it.
There was a time of course, where I was pointing my finger and blaming my ex-husband for everything that I was feeling. Even way after everything happened, I was blaming him. I kept saying, it's in my head, my negative, angry, hurt feelings. And of course those feelings are valid. That's not what I'm saying either.
But I kept connecting it to him and therefore I was tied to him every time. I just blamed him for everything I was going through. [00:13:00] And it wasn't until one day, I don't even remember when this was, to be honest, but one day. I thought to myself, oh my God, I am just giving him all of the power basically, and just letting my negativity just stew in me and fester in me, and all this anger.
It's in me. It's not his fault anymore. This is my fault. This is my fault that I am still walking around with so much hatred and anger and blame in my body that it felt awful, that I was making myself feel awful. And there's is a point, and I think I touch on this as well in my earlier [00:14:00] episodes, but there was a point too where.
You know, you become used to the pain. You actually live in it for so long that cutting the cord from it is so unknown and the change is very real. But you. Become afraid of that in a way, and I know this happens with depression as well, and so many other things, stress and anxiety. When we live in it and we stew in it for so long, it just consumes us and it becomes our friend.
The darkness becomes our friend, and then it becomes harder and harder and harder to cut those ties to that blame. That person that we're connecting all of the pain to. But when I noticed it and said, oh wow, okay, [00:15:00] I need to change this. And the way I did it was saying thank you. Thank you, body and mind and heart for wanting to be safe.
For keeping me safe in not changing, in doing what I needed to do, accepting that I did this, not, not being upset with myself. It was a huge revelation, but I wasn't upset with myself for feeling that way for, I would say too long, but it is what it is. But noticing that. Cutting that cord and saying goodbye to that connection, to saying that it was his fault.
'cause it was not his fault anymore. It was my fault that I was holding onto it. I didn't wanna be in a relationship [00:16:00] with him anymore. I didn't actually wanna connect with him anymore. I was connecting to the pain and I was putting blame so that that pain stayed. And it, it doesn't happen every, all, it doesn't happen overnight.
But I slowly came out of that funk and out of that fog, you know, a little black raincloud like and poo bear, and it started to diminish and my life started to change and I was a different person, so. I ask you to really think through all of the people, the places, the circumstances that you are pointing your finger at and blaming, and put that mirror [00:17:00] up and realize it's a reflection back to you.
Cut that cord and something that I suggest doing if you can or if you want to. Is to write them all out and to name them all. Writing actually on paper is much better than typing it, but put it into the notes on your app, a notes app, or anywhere on your phone as well. But writing really is the best way and to name each person, place, or thing that you're putting blame on for something in your life.
You can stop this if you want to and then go back to it. But now, after you've named them all to go within and look at each one that you have listed, each type of blame to go within and look it in the face and close your eyes if you can. [00:18:00] Once again, this is, it's really great to visualize and what is it?
That is or has hurt you, that is making you go outside of yourself and point that finger. Why is it so hard to address it within you? Why is it easier to say it is someone else's fault and not your own? Why have you given up the control or ability to deal with this problem or this feeling? Because really that's what you are doing when you are.
Blaming someone else for something that you just cannot let go of. Can you think of why that is? Why are you still connected to it? Why are you letting it control your feelings? Why are you not letting it go? And if you can visualize once [00:19:00] again those horrible feelings that you have attached to that blame.
It just, it's just coming right back to you, right back to you. So write all of those out. Think on those questions as well of of the why's and why it's so hard. And now I want you to visualize or write or say out loud that I release you and I no longer need you. Thank you for protecting me, but you are in my way and keeping me from being the person I know I can be.
I'm cutting the cord between us. I realize now that I'm only holding onto the negativity and pain that binds us, and I'm causing harm to myself by holding on. If you could say that out loud, that is really powerful. [00:20:00] You can write it and then recite it out loud. That is also even more powerful to write it and then say it.
But you could say it in your head as well and visual, but visualize it. Visualize. Once again, even just taking your fingers and cutting that negativity cord. It does wonders. And if you could say that after you've really tapped into. The reasons why you're holding on, and hopefully that you have a revelation of, oh wow, this is why I am doing this.
I'm just keeping myself safe. My system feels more safe holding onto this than without. And how can I regulate my nervous system to say goodbye to this thing that I'm attached to? And [00:21:00] of course, once again, this is not easy. Some things are gonna be extremely difficult, while other things might be easier.
And of course, once again, if you need to speak to a professional, please do that as well. If it is something extremely difficult for you to do to, to cut that cord from that blame, from that person, from that place, you can also write out a letter. Say that they no longer serve you. You can write out a letter and then burn it, rip it up, throw it in into the garbage, whatever you need to do, and then to go into some really deep breathing exercises, you can look them up as, as well.
There's different types of, um, breathing to regulate your nervous system. A lot of times it's four deep breaths in through the nose. Hold [00:22:00] it for four and then exhale for eight. So look, look up different breathing techniques for your nervous system. That might help as well. I also, something I have been using that has really, really helped me is finding.
Meditation apps, if you can go into different types of meditations. There are so many, so I'm not even going to go into specifics, but one is also to be magnetic. I'm sure some of you have heard of it. They do deep imaginings, and those deep imaginings are fantastic for going into. Childhood, uh, circumstances and stories and people and to unblock and to get rid of what you are holding onto.
And we're gonna go into that in a second as [00:23:00] well. But if you really wanna do a deep dive into visualization and meditation and changing. How your brain is connected to these past circumstances and people to be magnetic is great. There is a membership, but it is full of what they call deep imaginings that you could just dive into, and those really have helped me.
And they also have a bunch of journaling prompts and all sorts of things, so if you're interested in that, go into that as well. But there are, even on YouTube. There are YouTube, uh, videos and channels to do meditations to help regulate your nervous system. That is free, so search for those as well. So after we've dealt with any blame and pointing fingers, there is also shame [00:24:00] as well as limiting beliefs and how you get through that really is the same as.
What I was speaking to with the blame, but I wanna talk about what shame and limiting beliefs really means. We all know what it means, but when I speak about shame, shame can be connected to anything you have done in the past as well as anything that has happened to you or a belief you have picked up from childhood that has brought about a certain belief, such as how much money someone makes.
Beliefs around status, education, et cetera, that is different from how you live today, especially. So for example, if you grew up being told that rich people are terrible, but you want to be quote unquote rich, and you have wealthy friends, so there is some shame back in the back of your head [00:25:00] and in your subconscious mind.
That because you actually want that and you are around people who have that, the things that are going against what you were told to believe, you have some shame around it. So therefore you may have some shame around money, around making money. Uh, another one is you, you cheated on someone or you lied. Or did anything in the past that you have shame around and have not forgiven yourself for.
That's another form of shame as well, of course, but that shame is holding onto you. You have this idea that you are not worthy of certain things that you want in your life. Or if you have ideas and you wanna go for it and you wanna go after something, you wanna start your own business. [00:26:00] You want to put yourself out there and meet the love of your life because you haven't yet, or someone you're attracted to is not the type of person that you were told when you were growing up that you should be attracted to.
That's also shame holding you back. And limited beliefs is of course connected to that in the way that, once again, you think you aren't worthy of a certain person or you don't think you're good enough or smart enough to become an entrepreneur, and yet you know that is what you want to do. Or you wanna write a novel, but.
You have this limited belief that you can't write, that you're not a quote unquote writer because you were told at one point that you're not good at writing. Well screw that, right? But you can't just say, screw that, and [00:27:00] then suddenly you're writing a novel. You need to bring that belief to life. You need to tell yourself and your system and your brain.
That you can, you need to stop telling yourself these limited beliefs, but once again, you can't just say it and you can't just have other people saying it too. If you are looking for outside validation for something and people are telling you you're a good writer, but you don't truly believe it in your soul and in your heart, then you are not going to write are you?
And what's the shame around? Wanting to make a lot of money, or as I said before, education. If you were told as a kid, for instance, that you had to have a college degree and the most successful people have degrees and PhDs, and you're surrounded by people [00:28:00] who are doctors and lawyers, and doing these things that you have been told your whole life equals success.
You don't want to do any of those things. You want to be an artist, you want to paint or sculpt or do something that is so completely opposite of what you were told, then you have some shame in there underneath it all telling you that you shouldn't. So I hope that makes sense. An example for me is I.
When I was going through everything I was going through, I was a mom and I have shame around feeling that I was not a good mother. I still do sometimes, but I really have worked through this a lot and I've done a lot of crying and a lot of forgiving myself [00:29:00] to get through the shame of feeling that I was a bad mother.
While I was going through the divorce and depression and just trying to get by just going, getting through the day, going day by day, I had so much shame and guilt and regret over just not trying to be a great mother. That wasn't where my brain was. That wasn't where my mental state and emotional state was.
I was just trying to get through the days. You know, my son and I have an amazing relationship, but I did have so much shame around that. But if I didn't forgive myself, if I did not say to myself, no, you actually are a [00:30:00] good mother. You did. Everything that you could possibly do with what you had at the time, stop blaming yourself.
See, I was blaming my, well, this is me blaming myself, not someone else. The blame towards the ex-husband, yes, that was still happening. So I was having blame and shame at the same time. But that shame didn't come until later. It wasn't in the moment. It wasn't until afterwards that I was so upset with myself of not being as present as I could have been with my son.
That's where the shame was, and I had to forgive myself for that. I had to say It's okay. You are a wonderful mother who loves your son, and you've always loved your son and you've always been there for your son, now you have to forgive yourself. [00:31:00] So that's an example of shame and getting through it. And once again, how we get through it is the same as what I was saying for the blame.
We have got to go inward. We have got to look that shame in the face and we have to name it. So I ask you to now think of are, are there any times in your life, is there anything going on right now within you where you still have some limited beliefs and shame around? Something that's happened in your past as a child going way back into your childhood, for instance.
'cause everything's connected to that by the way. Going back into that, visualizing it if you can and seeing what it is that you are stopping yourself from doing now that's connected to anything in the past, in your [00:32:00] childhood. Anything recent? Anything now? Is there something that's happening now? That you have shame about or you have a limited belief about, that you are telling yourself, I can't do this.
What is stopping you? Because once again, this is a reflection and it's going right back into your heart and soul, and it is a roadblock from what it is you want to do and living the life you want to live. Have you been stopping yourself from, once again, we'll go back to being an artist. Are you stopping yourself because you are telling yourself that you need to do something else?
Are you stuck in a job you hate and you really have this dream of doing something else, but you keep telling yourself, but it's stable, but it's a good job and it's bringing [00:33:00] in the money. But I'm not happy in it and I'm not doing these other things that I really wanna do on the side. But why are you telling yourself that?
Did you grow up being told that these beliefs are your beliefs? Are they, are they your beliefs? And where is that coming from? So just as with the blame, just write it out, give it a name. And go within and really tap into how that all came about. If you can really tap into the when and the where and the how that these limited beliefs and the shame came from.
Oh, and address that, then it's just in the noticing right now. That's all you need to do right now too. [00:34:00] And if you do need to go to a therapist and really get through that and just really dig in and dig deep, it's hard. It is not fun shedding these things, shedding these old wounds or anything that has been attached to you since your childhood.
You're not gonna get rid of it overnight, once again, but there's, there's a place it needs to start, right? You have to start somewhere, and I'm hoping that this will just start it and even one thing at a time. It's too much to, to truly try to cut the cord with every single thing that's happening, but if you are able to write it all out and then start with one and really dig deep and really figure out how it's all connected.
You are going to feel so much lighter. [00:35:00] You are going to move through your day, a different person, and hopefully you're gonna go after that thing that you want. And I ask you too, to think on the things that you have been thinking about your whole life, even go back to childhood. What did that person love to do, want to do dreamed of doing?
And something stopped. You figure out what that thing was. Who are you authentically that you really are connected to, but you're not allowing yourself to go for it. Once we find that, that point where it all began, that is when it can all unravel and you can cut it and just like. The blame to say out loud, I release you and I no longer need [00:36:00] you.
Thank you for protecting me. Because your nervous system is protecting you. Your nervous system is holding onto these things because it is saying you need this protection. Oh my gosh, you are not safe. Fight or flight, right? Freeze or fawn. It's about safety. So you need to really tell your nervous system.
I do not need you anymore. I do not need this anymore. It is in my way and keeping me from becoming the person I know I can be. You no longer serve me. I am not. And then fill in the blank, the shame you are addressing. So for me, I am not a bad mother. And then say I am actually, and then plug in the opposite.
Because guess what you are. So I am not a bad mother. I am actually a good mother [00:37:00] who continued to love her son through everything she was going through. And that's the next thing. So I am actually blank. So that's the opposite of the shame or the limiting belief because, and then you list the ways you are not what you have told yourself.
If you can say that out loud again, and then breathe through it and also shaking. Shaking your hands like you are getting water off of your hands, doing any kind of shaking through your body actually, and this is why it's best to do this alone because we do have our limited beliefs of looking stupid and looking silly if other people walk in on us doing something.
You should be alone doing any of this anyway, so that you're just not distracted or disrupted, but shaking it out and then moving in any way, doing any kind of movement, slow, fast [00:38:00] dance, like, uh, jumping up and down, but shaking is really somatic. So somatic shaking is really great as well. And that's with the blame that I spoke about before as well.
Breathing and moving. While you're saying these things or while you're thinking them, and another one too, such as with the limiting beliefs can be, you know, I am not, and this is obviously something that I continue to work through, like I am not fat. I am actually really healthy and working towards being my healthiest self.
Because I am moving every day. I am eating healthy. I am paying attention to what I put in my body. I'm taking supplements and I am sleeping really well. You see, and that was me just doing an [00:39:00] example to myself because lately I still have been seeing photos of myself and. I then tell myself, oh my God, you look horrible.
When really I feel great. There we go. So as I said before, I'm still working through things. This is always a work in progress. We are not perfect and we never will be, but that is another example as well as. What you can say to yourself when it comes to the limited beliefs and the shame, and then visualize the shame.
This is a good one actually. I just remembered. This one is really great. The shame and the limited beliefs. If you can close your eyes, take a deep breath, deep breath in, slow breath out, and visualize. [00:40:00] Everything that you had written down and had seen as a limited belief or shame and have it all go into a bucket and now visualize picking up that bucket and walking to the side of a river and dumping those limited beliefs.
The shame outta the bucket into the river and watching it wash away, float down the river away from you.
That is a wonderful visualization to get those beliefs out of your head. Now it's something you may need to do multiple times, or you do one at a time. It is a wonderful [00:41:00] way to just start the process and to help release it all from your body. It is so important that we release the blame and the shame and the limited beliefs before we even address what we actually want.
We cannot have a body and a mind, and a heart and a soul. Full of anger and negativity. If we want to change, if it's full of all of these things that are stopping us, how do we expect ourselves to change? How do we expect ourselves to put ourselves out there to go on dates, to start a new job, to go after a new job?
To paint those paintings and show it to the world. How do we expect to [00:42:00] do any of those things? If our body is full of all of these things, stopping us all this negativity? You cannot do any of it until all of that is gone, or at least most of it is gone. You have to clear the path. You have to clear the way and set yourself up for success, not just on the outside, but we've gotta do it on the inside.
It's time to cleanse that palette. I hope this episode helped jumpstart transforming from within a little bit. The next episode. We are going to continue to work through the next steps on how we can transform and live the life that we know we want to live and to be the person [00:43:00] we already know, that we are on the inside.
We are already that person, but we have to take the steps to let that person out and to live every day as the person who we know we already are. Who we want to be. I hope that helped and I will see you on the next episode. As always, thank you so much for being here. I'll talk to you soon.
