Envy and Jealousy FINAL
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Speaker: [00:00:00] Hello and welcome to the average nineties G Podcast. This is Meredith, and we are now diving into session two of Transform From Within. So this one is going to be all about envy and jealousy, because before we can transform ourselves from within, we need to clear out the gunk inside of us to have the space to receive and create what we need to be, become who we want to be.
First, we clear out the blame, shame, and limiting beliefs, which is from session one. And if you haven't. Gone to that one. I suggest that you start there, but next we need to notice and clear out any of the negative feelings and beliefs that come from envy and jealousy we experience in our daily life, as well as [00:01:00] what has been happening our entire lives.
And that may sound like a lot because it is, but really once again. As always, it's about noticing ourselves. It's about self-awareness. It's about going back and really digging inward and deep and going back to see where is this all really coming from? Because on the surface we'll say, oh, it's because my life is like this right now, and so that is why I cannot do A, B, and C.
When really what is coming up may be something that is happening or has happened to you way back into your childhood, or when you were a teenager and a young adult in college maybe. So it can go back that far, but it can also be something that has happened recently [00:02:00] and in both circumstances. It may be something that we just are not noticing, so we really need to go in and think and be aware and say to ourselves, oh, this is why this is happening.
Not that this is just happening. Oh, I'm aware that this is happening and having these feelings. No. Now why? We always need to find out and figure out why. So envy and jealousy. Of course, envy is something that we see when we see someone's life, for instance, or we see someone we know or don't know that has done something or they have something and we say, Ooh, I want that.
That's envy. Now, jealousy is usually, I believe the definition has something to do with it involves. More than two [00:03:00] people. So instead of seeing one person and saying, I want that jealousy is defined as really having a third person involved. So in a relationship, for instance, the typical cliche is, I'm jealous of their relationship.
I'm jealous of these two people. I'm jealous because my girlfriend is talking to that guy. And now I'm jealous because I'm seeing the connection she's having with that guy. That is jealousy, of course. But jealousy can also come out of a feeling you have of mistrust and. Other feelings that we'll get into as well.
So don't think of jealousy as just being about, oh, I'm jealous because my boyfriend is talking to someone. That's not all jealousy is, and [00:04:00] envy and jealousy is not always a bad thing. It is all based on how you feel when it comes up. It can be healthy, for instance, especially envy. I would say envy is the healthiest.
Uh, but envy can be healthy. When it shows up in a way of saying, oh, that person has so much dedication and strength, this empowers me and motivates me to do the same. I am going to start doing it because I am watching this person doing it, as opposed to, Ugh, they are so good at what they do. I wish I had that life, but my life sucks, et cetera.
The why is this happening for them and not me? Loop that can go into your head, and that's more jealousy by the way, is the why is this happening for them and it's not happening for me, and so it's a negative connotation to that. [00:05:00] And this is also why scrolling on social. For instance can be so toxic because if you are seeing other people's lives and find that you are going down the My Life sucks comparison path, then it is time to delete the app and go inward, go to the actual why's behind those feelings that are coming up.
I have a really good friend who stopped being on social media years ago. And I am not joking when I say that she has not gone on. She no longer has accounts and she has never looked back. And I find that very empowering and amazing. And she did it because she noticed how she was feeling when she was looking at other people's accounts.
She really was going down the dark side. Of the envy and the jealousy, [00:06:00] but she noticed it and she said, oh, nope. I am just not even gonna put myself in that situation. I'm deleting my accounts and I'm never looking back. And I suggest that anyone who feels and notices every time you go on social media, if you are noticing that you are constantly feeling ick and.
Gross and envious and jealous of everyone you're watching and looking at, instead of leaving it feeling great and happy, and. Just all the wonderful feelings. I mean, we don't always have wonderful feelings when we're on social, but if you are like her where you're noticing that every time you go on it, you're having ne negative thoughts and feelings.
I suggest you try as hard as you possibly can to do what she did. I think that she should create an online course about that. I don't know. But [00:07:00] anyway, my point being is that's another way of showing. You really need to dig into why are you feeling that way? So digging deep into jealousy is about digging into your own insecurities, your own fears, any low self-worth and above all trust issues.
If you have trust issues that have not been addressed or any of these that have not been addressed inside of you, then it will continue to come up in every relationship. Whether it's romantic, family, friends, coworkers, anyone. If you do not heal those wounds, then they will constantly be showing up.
Definitely trust. I will say jealousy in particular is where old trust wounds will definitely come up and show up as jealousy, but envy on the bad side of envy, of [00:08:00] course, as well. So saying, I want what that person has. Well, if it's coming up in a negative way, why? Why are you envious of what that person has or their life?
And so, especially with jealousy and trust issues, but with everything, this can be situations that happen to you. So for instance. My trust issue story is of course, directly related to what happened to me and my ex-husband, and being cheated on. I have to admit that I am still holding back and working through why I am not ready to dive into a new relationship.
I'm not ready. To date and to put myself out there, I'm still not ready. I have to admit it because I'm really working through that. I don't want to show [00:09:00] up at a first date or possibly meeting a soulmate at a bar. I don't want to still be in a place where I can't trust someone when I meet that person or go on that date or feel fully open and ready and committed.
If I still don't feel ready, I don't wanna show up as that person. I want to be fully open and fully ready when that happens. And so that's something I'm still working through. And of course, my trust issues and being cheated on and knowing that I was being cheated on and. All of that that came with it.
The aftermath as well as being in it. Jealousy was a huge part of that. Of course, of course I was jealous and I'm not anymore. That's obviously what I've worked through too. I do not care that my ex is with and married to the [00:10:00] woman he cheated on me with. I had an amazing moment, by the way, which, I'm sorry if I have shared this.
Already on the podcast, but if you're listening to me for the first time, then you're hearing this for the first time as well. I had an amazing moment at my son's graduation where I went up to her and shook her hand and said, how are you doing now? That was huge for me, and I saw her and had zero. Twinges or feelings of jealousy or hatred or anger?
None of it. I looked at her and nothing. I saw the two of them together, nothing. It was a huge moment for me that I am very proud of myself that I was able to work through to get there, and it just feels wonderful. [00:11:00] So. I have worked through all of this. I definitely would not have been able to do that even, uh, maybe a couple of years ago.
There's no way. There was a time when I just couldn't even see her without having really angry, emotional, horrible thoughts. So I have worked through that. It does take time. It isn't something that happens overnight, but I'm hoping that what I share with you today, and I will go through journal prompts and thoughts that you can have to help work through any kind of envy and jealousy as well as anything you're going through, but the situations can also be situations you have witnessed.
So even if you haven't experienced. Distrust, for instance, or low self-worth or anything if in your childhood especially, but also in [00:12:00] adulthood, if you have witnessed someone else going through it, that can also have an effect on you in terms of how it shows up in yourself in jealousy and envy. And one example that comes to mind is my own dad, he witnessed.
His dad go through something where his friends were actually completely fake and did not show up as friends. They completely stopped talking to his father and stopped being friends and showed my dad. These people that were supposed to be supportive and best friends of his father were not. And that showed up in my dad, never really having close friends.
My dad, I mean, and he has [00:13:00] told me this himself. This is not me projecting or assuming he has told me these stories, that this is why my dad has always had issues getting close to people. He's always had issues trusting friends because of what he saw his dad go through. Now, he's had friends in his life, but he does not have longtime close friends.
He does not have people who he will just call up and talk to and meet with and go out with. My dad does not have anyone like that. In terms of friendships especially, but also even former coworkers. He does not stay close to people, and it is a through line directly to what he witnessed his father go through and how angry it made him feel to watch that happen to his own father, because he also watched his father just [00:14:00] go.
Dark deep into depression, and he was out of work after, I believe, a heart attack, and he just watched his dad just do nothing and fall into depression after his friends treated him this way. So that I'm using as another example of how you can witness something that then has a huge effect on you and how you go about your life dealing with other people and relationships that if you do not heal that in yourself, you are gonna go through life, possibly not trusting other people.
And then if you are constantly questioning everyone's motives, then how? Can you be real with others? And if you are not yourself and you are putting up a wall because you are not trusting other people, then how can you expect [00:15:00] others to trust you? How can you expect others to see you in a certain way if you're not even really being yourself because you are not trusting other people?
So you see how that works, and once again, envy and jealousy really comes out. When all of that is going on with it inside you, the negativity just takes over. So now I'm gonna go into the ways that you can write down, you know, how, how all of these feelings are coming up, or to think them through. However, whatever works for you once again.
As I will say in every session, writing things down, especially pen to paper, is much more visceral and enters your body and your psyche in a very different way than just thinking about it or even saying it out loud, but [00:16:00] doing all of these things, writing it and then saying out loud is the best way to do it.
Typing it into your notes app or something, it works, but it is just so different than pen or pencil to paper. So first, if you could write out the ways that envy and jealousy is negatively popping up in your life, especially right now, where is it that you are seeing it pop up? Uh, whe whether. You're having a conversation with someone or once again looking through social media.
I have to say, looking through social media is where it does pop up a lot in a lot of people. I hear people saying that all the time, but also talking to a family or friend, family member or a friend, and they're telling you some good news, but you're noticing that you're having a negative reaction to it.
[00:17:00] Well, that's jealousy or envy. Instead of being super excited for them, is it coming up where you're saying to yourself, well that's great, but I mean, what did you do to get there? Or, I can't get there because of A, B, and C and coming up with excuses. And I will say too, where is the blame and shame?
Limiting beliefs popping up when someone's telling you some good news or when you're watching your friend on social doing something new and different. That's really exciting. And they are going outside of the box and outside of their comfort zone. And instead of you thinking, oh my gosh, how cool you are having jealousy and envy instead of being excited for them because you probably secretly.
Want [00:18:00] to be doing that same thing, but because you haven't had the motivation or you haven't moved through the fear of doing it, you are jealous that they've done it. So it's those kind of things that if you could write that out. Have you seen this happen within yourself? And here are some journal prompts for each one.
Or if you see a through line. In all of the ways that envy and jealousy is coming up for you, then use these prompts that I will be mentioning to cover all of it. 'cause it may be a through line of all of the ways it's popping up. You may see that all of it is leading to one why or one moment in your life that you haven't addressed.
So be very honest with yourself. And I will say this is the time for tough [00:19:00] love on yourself. This is not a time to look away from yourself and ignore self-awareness. We need to be self-aware. Okay? So are you ready? And once again, these are prompts after you have thought through the ways that envy and jealousy are negatively coming up in your life.
So start with this question. What emotion. Is this situation or person or event triggering inside of me? And be honest, is it frustration, sadness, resentment, mistrust I is, whatever it is, let it be. Now, ask yourself, why is this emotion being triggered? What do I feel that I'm lacking inside myself? Maybe it's respect, maybe it's to fully be seen.[00:20:00]
Acceptance, communication, love, affection, safety. You need to be heard, appreciated naming. It really helps then ask, what is this emotion telling me that I need? So you might notice an overlap to the last one, but often triggers. Are the mirrors up to nature that I mentioned in the first session, by the way, showing us the needs that we are actually wanting and waiting to happen and to be fulfilled in our lives.
Next, you are then going to trace it back and as I spoke of before, so where in my life have I needed this? From whom? So was it your childhood? Was it your teen years? Adolescence, early [00:21:00] adulthood? If a certain memory comes up and one where that need really is not met and you can connect it, then really stop there and let yourself see that memory.
Show up for it and thank it and show it some, some love and some healing, because that is really showing you exactly where you needed that and when it started. That is really, really important to see and now reflect back. So why do I still shrink? Stay small and settle in this area of your life and how can you give yourself what you need now?
So connecting it all, [00:22:00] what it really is is that there was something missing that you need. And that's why when you look at another person or another situation and you say, I want that, I'm jealous of that. And I find myself coming up with excuses or blaming as to why I don't have that. That is what you need to work on, is how can you give that to yourself.
Now, envy and jealousy, I have to say, there have been times where I was jealous of seeing success in other people and it was because they were doing something. As I mentioned before, as an example, but I am using myself in to show that yes, I remember being very jealous seeing people I knew who were doing great things, and [00:23:00] I did notice it in myself.
I would write it out and I would journal it out and I would say, why is it that I'm jealous of this person? Well, it's, I realized it's because I always looked for outside validation. I always wanted outside validation to tell me that it was okay to do something, to go through my fear to just do it. But I don't need that anymore.
I dealt with it and I dealt with it by going through my fears. Starting the podcast is, is an example. Instead of thinking about how everyone would react, I just did it and just moving through that fear and doing something that was uncomfortable doing something that five years ago, I'd be too scared to do, but if I saw a friend of mine doing it, I would be jealous.
Moving through that fear is what did it for me. That is what moved me [00:24:00] forward. That's all I had to do. Now, it may not be true for you, for whatever it is, and I do have to say, there were times when I would see a couple who was really happy, even friends of mine, I would see amazing couples doing amazing things together and being so happy together.
And in my head I would go, Ugh. And I would tell myself. Aren't you glad that you're alone? Aren't you glad that you're in an independent woman? There were these things I had to tell myself to stop myself from being jealous and envious. Now I look at them and I say, oh, that's what I want when I'm ready. I would love to have that.
I'm so glad that my friend is happy with the person that they're with. I'm so happy to see that. I do want that one day. I'm just not ready yet, but it's once again, self-awareness. But I had to [00:25:00] work through that. I did, oh my gosh. I journal every single day. It does happen, and I'm just telling you all of this because I am proof that you can work through it.
You can one day see something that right now you are so envious of and so jealous of, and you want it really badly, but yet you're having negative feelings about it one day. If you just work through it and figure out the why and what it is that you need from yourself. What do you need to give yourself to get through it?
Oh, you will feel amazing, and you will feel lighter once again, and you're clearing out the gunk. So these can be prompts, of course, that you say to yourself in those moments, such as, you know, scrolling through the social, or a friend tells you good news and you're having a bad moment. Digging deep, and sometimes it is not fun to dig deep.
I [00:26:00] know this, but it really is worth it. It is worth the pain. It's worth the wounds that you have to possibly pick through and they show up and you go, ah, that's ugly. Hmm. Trust me, ugly is good. Because that means you see it, you notice it, and you go, okay, now I got to work through that ugliness because on the other side of ugliness is lightness and beauty, and you are a much stronger person.
Trust me. And that's it. I hope that was helpful for you and that you will join me in session three of Transform From Within as we continue this together, and that's exactly what's happening. Yes, I have done a lot of this work, which is why I'm sharing it and why I know that it works, [00:27:00] but I am still going through plenty of things that I will be, I.
Journaling and going inward and working on all of this on my own as well. So we are doing this together. So thank you for joining me and I hope that this is working for you and I will see you in the next episode. Thanks so much.
