[00:00:00] Welcome to the average nineties GAL podcast. Join me as I share my own journeys through life, how I got and continue to get through them, as well as real stories from real people in this crazy world. Let's get through it together.
Hello and welcome to part two of my episode with my brother Matt. In this episode, we begin where we left off, which is after he experienced a fire back in 2010, I believe it is. So that is where we are starting off this episode. A quick trigger warning that this episode does discuss self-harm and suicide.
If you or someone [00:01:00] you know is struggling, please go to the show notes for the links to all resources about, uh, suicide prevention, warning signs, substance abuse, as well as information on everything we speak about in this episode, which includes. Sobriety and how he found it and what happened, as well as how he has found his new purpose in life as well as a new relationship and how he is doing today and what he is doing.
So I hope you enjoy this and once again, as always, thank you for being here. It is much appreciated. And if you find this episode or any of the episodes that are published, please share them and spread the word and hopefully this and other episodes will help everyone. [00:02:00] Thank you so much. So you were exhausted all the time too, so I was, you were getting like No sleep.
Exhausted. Stressed out. Depressed. PTSD, depression and. Always having to take my wife, me and my new wife. Like to the hospital. Yeah. Like every week. Yeah. You're getting no sleep. It was something. Yeah. So just totally stressed out. So we're in Berkeley and it's a nice place. It's really nice and we love it in Berkeley.
And so I started to cut myself. I'm like, what the fuck is going on? Like, oh, and the kind of music I start to listen to is the black, like metal bands from Norway. Oh, really? Crazy shit. Yeah. I was in weird state of mind. Yeah. And what year is this now? 2010. 10? [00:03:00] Yeah. Yeah. So I'm going through all of this and I'm drinking not, the drinking wasn't as bad as the, uh, scene of the state that, that my mind was in.
Yeah. You know, and so.
This went on for a month or two. Then 1D one day I'm in, this is a shower, and I start to have the suicidal thoughts and it was like new to me. Even though I've been like bipolar for so long. Suicidal, like ideation was new, didn't actually come up so much Like, like to the point where I was like, I'm actually gonna do it.
And because I was cutting and that was new, but I was still like doing it. And there were times where I thought, oh, I'm just gonna take it deeper and see what happens. And so I was in the shower one day. [00:04:00] And luckily Karen was home. 'cause I come out of the shower out out of the bathroom and I'm like, I, I needed to go somewhere because I'm suicidal.
So you told her that? Yes. Okay. And she took me to the emergency room. Yeah. And it's funny, she told me like what to do. 'cause I think she had been there to that, to that point. Oh, okay. We'd never really talked about it. And yeah, she said, go up to the front and tell them. So I walk up to this scene like desk and I say to the girl, I said, I'm suicidal.
And she said, oh, we'll take you to this back room. And so that's what happened. Yeah. And Karen was out in the waiting room. I didn't tell mom and dad, I didn't want them to know that I was there. Yeah. Yeah. And so I was in this room and there was a guard at the front door, at the door to the room. It was this tiny [00:05:00] little room, just enough for the bed that I was in, and I think they gave me some kind of sedative, but there was a guard there.
And then mom and dad did finally show up and it was Karen's like parents who called them. Yeah. I didn't want them to know. Yeah. And that goes back to our, our childhood. I don't want them to know that I'm doing something that's not right. Yes. It's the hiding, it's the not wanting to ruffle feathers. Yes.
Get anyone upset. Yes. Yeah. Yes. Exactly. That's why I bring this up. This goes a long way back. It's something that I, I always did, you know, like hide it from them, I think. Mom came in and she sat on this chair like next to my bed and we didn't really speak. She just sat there. Sat there? Yeah. I think dad came in then and said, Hey, like, how are you son?
And all that. But then they pretty quickly took me out to [00:06:00] an ambulance that was gonna go to the, to the mental hospital. The act. Yeah. I was gonna say, I wasn't there long. Okay. I wasn't at the emergency for very long. Okay. Yeah. But you got an ambulance. Yeah. And so I got in, they, they rolled me out. I was in the bed.
'cause I remember, I felt like pretty like woozy, like they had given me something. Yeah. Yeah. I don't remember taking pills, but they might have injected me. But it's weird. It's a blur. Blur because it was, well yeah, your mental state was in a blur. It was totally gone. Yeah. It was out of it. And I remember getting to the, to the hospital.
And then of course the nurse gives me all his paperwork to do and then they rolled me back and mom, dad and Karen were there, but they had to leave. They weren't allowed to stay. Yeah. Yeah. And I was on a, in California, what's called the 51 50 hold. Yeah. For three [00:07:00] days or 72 hours. So the first day I, I remember the nurse was really cool.
She was great. I remember I had like breakfast and stuff and she and I went like back to bed and there was just covers like over my head. I didn't want see the world. I didn't wanna do anything. Yeah. She came in and said, oh, Matthew, you need, you need a shower. So she got me up, took me to the shower, and that helped.
Yeah. Yeah. And I liked her, so I was, you're like, okay, I'll listen to you. Yeah, yeah. You know, there's nice people here. And then I remember going like outside and playing like basketball, like with the guys and it's, it was just like one floor, the C Nest, I was actually just gonna say it sounds very, one flew was over the Cuckoos Nest.
It was exactly like it was it. Yeah. Yeah. And, but then I had to go back in and start talking to, to the psychiatrists. Yes. Yeah. [00:08:00] So you go in in his office and he was, I remember this, he was like, so why are you here? And at first I didn't know how to answer. Oh. I was like, I'm just really. Stressed out and suicidal.
And he is, oh, okay, so let me hear some of your history. So I went and he said, oh, even like further back. So I, so for, so to him, I told him about my, my teenage years and after that and everything and then I went to another psychiatrist. And so they didn't di diagnose me with anything yet, but they let me out and they said, but you have to go to this psychiatrist, you have to keep going.
And did not stop. Yeah. Yeah. But they let me out after 72 hours. Okay. Yeah. And dad and Karen picked me [00:09:00] up and I think we just went home, I'm pretty sure. But I think it was the next like couple days I went to, uh, to a psychiatrist. And it was with her. I was with her for two hours going through everything and it was so weird because she it, she just said it nonchalantly.
She said, oh, you know, you're bipolar. Yeah. It's like this with your like history and all these things that, that you've done. Yeah. That's you're bipolar, like matter of faculty kinda. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is what it is. This is, yeah. Yeah. Not because this is what's been going on for all these years. Yeah. And she said, so I'm gonna give you some, we're gonna try some medications and I think the first one was, well, Wellbutrin is what it's called.
Yep. Yep. And Depakote. That's right. I've been taking Depakote since my first psychiatrist. Really? For the mania. Okay. Yeah. So that's been working. [00:10:00] Yeah. But you need something for the depressive. Yes. You gotta test. So she tried Wellbutrin. And she said, so come back to me like next week and we'll see like how it's going.
So I go back and she goes, Jean, like how's it going? And I'm like, it's great. Life is awesome. And she goes, oh no, that's not what she goes, oh no, you're, this is not what we want. She said, okay, we'll try something else. Yeah. You were like, way too, I was elevated. You were on cloud nine. Yes. I was like, I feel great.
So we tried Abilify and I got a lot of side effects from that. So for the depressive stuff, I really didn't have anything. She just gave me like Depakote and that was it. And that was it. Yeah. You just really needed something for the [00:11:00] mania. Yeah. And so I think that was, uh, an error because not. Doing anything for that side of your, your personality, your Yeah, your diagnoses.
It's not good. And then how long did it last until, I'm trying to think. Six months or so, and Karen and I were, we were done. We were done, yeah. But we kept on just like living together after I, six more months or something like that. And then I was in pretty bad shape. I was working again. So I had some kind of structure, some place that I had to be like every day.
And, but weekends were tough because I had nothing to do. I was, was miserable still. And I wasn't taking any like medication. Nothing, nothing. I just Wait. You did, stopped. Stopped. You stopped abruptly on the Yes. Uhoh, I stopped taking it 'cause I thought, oh, I'm fine now. That's what happens to a lot of people.
[00:12:00] Yeah. Yeah. So. I called Karen one day, she was at a friend's house and I said, we, we need to talk. And she's, oh, okay, I'll come home right away. Because I think she knew what was going on. Sure. So I was like, yeah, this, we are not like working. This is not good and I think we should separate. And she said, yeah, I feel that too.
So she went to her, her parents and stayed with them. And I was, I lived there still in Berkeley for a little while. And then I moved in with mom and dad and I was working for the city, living with mom and dad. And I was, how old was I? Late thirties. 'cause I moved to New York not too long after that. Yeah.
'cause when you had suicidal thoughts, that was actually 2011 because it was right before Donovan was born, if you remember it. Okay. Yeah. That's why dad stayed here. Okay. [00:13:00] When Donovan was born. Oh, that's right, because you, he wanted to be here for you. Yeah. Yeah. So that's, so it was 2011. 11 is when the, uh, when that whole experience for you happened.
Okay. Now I guess we can get into when the Raven visited me, I don't know if this is weird stuff, but do it. Do it. So I was working for the, for the City of Concord and I was pretty just, just going like through it. Just you see like bored stiff. Yep. It got in my mind bored. Yeah. You're not doing anything besides working, right?
No. I was drinking some, but I was at mom and dad's, so it wasn't like too terrible. But I was at work and I come out of the office, which is right across the street from our offices where the maintenance guys worked. [00:14:00] And I look at my truck and this is when I'm reading a lot about, oh, your, your animal spirit, spirit animal, that kind of stuff.
Yeah. I'm getting into that kind of thing. And there's this raven sitting on my truck, huge raven. And I know that it's a raven 'cause I've been, you know, I've been studying it. Yeah. And when they're huge like that, it was big. You know, it's, yeah. It's not a crow when it's that big. No. Yeah. I, I stopped like in my tracks and I'm just like, oh my God, look at that bird.
I'm my truck. Yeah. And I, I was just stood there like watching him. And he is like squawking. I'm like, oh. So I start walking like towards him and he's squawking and he does fly off, but I wasn't that far from him. I was like, oh, that was a trip. I was like, then I went home that night and I was like, what does it mean when a Raven like visits you?
Because Oh yeah. I had found out that my, that the raven [00:15:00] was my spirit, a animal. And I was reading all about Irish and English. The ideology behind the animal. Yeah, different like animals. And I was the raven was my animal. And I was like, and it said, that's the sign. 'cause they're like messengers. And I had been thinking about like New York for a little while.
I was like, maybe I should go. But it happened very suddenly. It was very impulsive. Uhhuh. Yeah. Yeah. I think it was also like mania and, 'cause it happened pretty quickly and anybody else that would've had that job, they wouldn't have quit. Yeah. That, that quickly because it was, it's a good job to have if you're somebody who can do that for you.
Yeah. A good steady job. Yeah. With killer benefits. Yeah. All that good stuff. The pay was awful. Yeah. I was gonna say not, I was living with mom and dad. [00:16:00] Yeah. Because I couldn't like pay rent 'cause I was making so little money. Yeah. So I moved to New York. You drive across the country. Yeah. Yeah. I drove the 3000 miles.
Yeah. September, 2012. And, but it didn't take long until I was depressed. Yeah. Yeah. And you were living with me? Yes. So I don't know if you wanna talk about how you were feeling too, because anyone who's listened has heard my story. Oh yeah. So that's why it's fine. Yeah. Because everyone's heard Yeah. What I was going through.
Yeah. Yeah. So we were going through it together. That was fun. So yeah, imagine being in this little theme apartment with two depressed people and a little kid and a little child. A year and a half year old. Yeah. So things were not, no, it was not good. And, but I did seek out a, a psychiatrist and I got some Depakote, [00:17:00] but it was really expensive 'cause it was private and I was paying for it out of pocket.
Yeah, I remember that too. Yeah. Yeah. So I was medicated for a while, but not, I didn't have any medication for my depression. Depression. 'cause I thought, oh, just get me on some Depakote, then I'll be fine and all that. And, uh. So I took it for a while and then I stopped taking it and I was fucking Yeah.
Which is the worst thing to do too. Oh, it's awful for anyone listening. Yeah. Do, do not just stop meds. Yeah. On your own, first of all, and cold Turkey. Do not. It is the absolute worst thing you can do. Do not do it any type of mental health medication. Take it from me. Yeah. No, and I'm just saying that it's like a, yeah.
A moment to teach and it's so important. I started like drinking more, like heavily. Yeah. But I kept it like secret. I don't know if you noticed, but I wasn't noticing anything. Yeah. Yeah. I was dealing with my own. Yeah. I mean, I was drinking too. I, I don't know if [00:18:00] you remember, I was drinking wine like every night because I'm like, yeah, I wasn't getting drunk, but I, it was my a away of also numbing as, so I was drinking wine every single night.
'cause I didn't care because I was going, I remember at the corner of your street was a bar. The, the bar. I was in there like every night. Oh no, I do remember that. Yeah. Yeah. And so when you're on medication, you know you're not supposed to drink. Yeah. So I was doing that. Yeah. But then I went off of the medication and I still drink and I was being depressed.
So I moved into this little room in this guy's apartment that was in East Village. I finally left your Yeah. Apartment after being there for too long and it horrible. It was this, it was this horrible apartment. [00:19:00] It was absolutely awful. The floor was so old. It was, you were going to fall through it. Fall through it, like at any moment.
Creaking. Yeah, creaking and like bouncing on. Yeah. Some of it was already being like tore up and everything coming apart. Yeah. Oh, Jesus Christ. Horrible place and. And you also had trouble just going back to partly too with the depression, was trying to just find a job. Remember? Oh God. Yeah. Like all the different things you tried And I was there for nine months.
Yeah. Until I found the super Yeah. Actually I was a maintenance person first, but only for two or three months. Yeah. And then the manager fired the, you know, the super Yeah. 'cause he was a shady little fucker. Oh man. He, he, we couldn't like prove it, but he was like stealing stuff. Stealing, yeah. Yeah. So then all of a sudden I'm the super of this [00:20:00] commercial building.
Okay. In Manhattan. Yes. 56th Street and Park. And so I'm like, oh shit, okay, here I go. I gotta do this. And so I'm. I'm the super of this building and it's one of the most like stressful jobs that I've ever had. It is the most like stressful job I've ever had. You've ever had? Yeah, because you're constantly getting like phone calls.
You constantly have something that you have to fix. There's always, and you have to paint this. You know this room because there was a water leak, so now you gotta paint it. Like you fix it and paint it and Yeah. So much stuff going on. 'cause there was, I forget how many like tenants there were. There was like, I was gonna say you, it's nonstop 'cause there's always something wrong.
It, it was like 40 tenants were in this building. Yeah. You get calls for this or that. Then the elevator, you know, like breaks down. There's of course does. Then there's a leak and you gotta go up and find the leak and fix it. And oh, there's these contractors [00:21:00] here to work in this office. There's contractors for this place.
Oh. And then you have to learn how to run the The fire like safety board. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. And then they're, oh, if they're gonna come in and test you on it. So you have to learn, you have to study for the firearm test. So many things. Holy shit. And the pay wasn't great and the health benefits weren't that great.
Of course. Yeah. You know. Yeah. But there was. There's a big, but here it finally broke me outta my shell. 'cause I was forced to deal with all this stuff and answer phones and all this that I hate doing. Yeah. But I had to do it. So then it finally, after 40 years, I'm busted out of my shell and I'm dealing with all this stuff and I'm doing well at it.
Yeah. And I'm like, yeah. And you're good at it. Yeah. But I'm still bi bipolar. I'm dealing with all this stuff, which is good for me, but [00:22:00] I'm completely, you know, stressed out. And during this time I meet Melody. Yeah. Your wife right now? Yes. Yeah. Who I've been married, married to now for three years. But this is the time that we met.
Okay. It was, it was 2014. It and so. I meet her and it helps. Yeah, because I'm into her like big time. So we're feeling like dating at first, but I soon move in with her. Yeah, it was really fast. Yeah. I remember going, wait. Yeah. Didn't you just meet her but you wanted to get out of that shit hole? That and I wanted to live with her.
No, I know, but also you lived in a shit hole, so it helps. I was still living in, in, in that place. And I remember Melody either had a gig or she came over, we were gonna have dinner and stuff and we were [00:23:00] walking like to my place. I'm like, we're not going up, up there. Yeah. I'm not going to take you there.
I'm not bringing you to my home. My place. Yeah, yeah. I don't want you to see it. And she's, oh, okay. She didn't understand, or she did. 'cause she was nice and she was like, okay, but. I was like, you, I can't take you up there. Yeah. You don't get it. You don't get it. But soon after I moved out and moved in with her, things were great.
So I was still a super when I, when we moved in and I was completely stressed out and just, I got to the point where my anxiety of getting a phone call, of just hearing the phone ring created anxiety. Yeah, yeah. And thinking of which phone call I'm thinking of the phone like ringing, filled me with all this just anxiety is enough to, yeah.
So I was just fried and she suggested to me [00:24:00] that I should be like dog walk. I should be like walking dogs. Oh, it was her. Oh. Be because coming from California, even though I had been in New York City at that time, a couple years, I still didn't know about. Like dog walking. Yeah. Oh, that's a thing. Exactly.
No, like you said, we're from California. There's no dog walker. They, except for San Francisco and LA Yeah. But we didn't actually see it as a thing. Yeah, no. Yeah. Even when you live in you, the suburbs. Yeah. There's no dog walker. You don't dog walkers. No. So I, I've never crossed my mind and she knew enough about me then about me and my love of animals.
She's, I think you should be a dog walker. You would really enjoy that. I was like, anything to get stop. Yeah. Being so feeling like stressed out because it's killing me. That job was great for me. Yes. But it was also, it [00:25:00] was almost like killing me. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Anything that's gonna cause your stress levels and anxiety levels, it's like, I'm gonna get a heart attack for this job.
Yeah. And based on your past experience and. What we know about suicide and Yeah. Suicidal ideation. When you have those layers on top of layer of things Yeah. Like anxiety and stress and then depression. Yeah. And if you have bipolar Yeah. And you're not doing taking meds for it. Oh. Those layers come down on you.
It's Oh. That are not being addressed. Yeah. If they're not being addressed. Yeah. You would've ended up in a situation like that again. Yeah. You were in a better relationship, obviously. Yes. But you were starting to get those layers on top of each other again. Yeah. So, yeah. 'cause of my job. Yeah. Exactly.
Exactly. Yeah. And the fact that I wasn't medicated that too. Yeah. Yeah. So I did start dog walking. I, I quit my, my super job and I did it like properly. I gave him like two weeks. I [00:26:00] didn't just leave. Yeah, yeah. And get on a bus and go to see it. Yeah. Oh God. Oh my God. Yeah. So you did the right thing. Yes. You did it the right way.
I did it the right way. Yeah. And I was, I wouldn't just say. I wouldn't say I was completely like stable 'cause I wasn't. Yeah. But once I started like dog walking, things were better and I was living with melody and I, I loved her to death. I still do. And so things were better. I dog walked for three years, but at about a year and a half after I started, I was getting really depressed and like manic and things were happening, like with my bipolar.
Yeah. So I was like, oh no. And I was starting to feel a little bit like suicidal again. And, but I had, we'll talk about music in a little bit, but one of my band [00:27:00] mates, Lisa, her dad was a Vietnam vet and he was, he got his healthcare through, through the va and, and I met him. He knew that I was a vet. Yeah.
And so Lisa, I, she told me about the VA and how they would like, all vets could go to the va now, this was years ago now, but not just like combat vets and retired vets. Yeah. Everybody. Yeah. Yeah. If you have an honorable like discharge, you can get healthcare through the va. I was like, oh great. Because the dog walking, I didn't have any like healthcare.
Yeah, yeah. So I was like, oh great, maybe I can, and they have psychiatrists and all that. So one day I was in really bad shape. I was like by myself. I think Melody might have been on tour maybe 'cause she wasn't there and I was, yeah. And you were [00:28:00] still drinking? Yes. Okay. Yes. So I, I called the va the psychiatry.
Luckily this woman like picked up because she, she was a, she was a psychiatrist. It wasn't just a front desk person. The actual, yeah, she was an actual psychiatrist, so she knew what to ask me. I started the conversation by saying to her, hi, I'm a vet and I've been, I was diagnosed as bipolar back in 2011, and I need help.
I'm starting to really feel like suicidal. And she's, oh, okay. She said, come to the emergency room at the VA as soon as you can. And I, I don't know if I went down that day or the next day, but I went, really? You did go. [00:29:00] Yes. And so then. They sent me up to psychiatry and I met this woman, the, the woman who answered Yes, because I told them, I said, oh, I've been, I talked to, so, and and they're like, oh, she's on 14.
Oh good. Yeah, yeah. So go, go up there and talk to her. So she prescribed me meds. She did that. I was able to pick up that day and start taking, yeah, I don't remember the one that was for depression. 'cause I told her being like, Depakote, she said, yeah, but you need one for depression too. Yeah. You know, and I told her Bruin Butrin didn't work.
Abilify didn't work. I can't remember what she gave me, but, so she gave me two. Yeah. And so it wasn't like Zoloft or anything like that? No, it could have been. Yeah, it could have been. But, so I started taking it and it was just in time because. And so it worked. It [00:30:00] was, I felt better and I told her that I drank and she was like, don't drink while you're on this.
Do not drink. Yeah. Which I did for a little while, but, and it did help, but I drank so it was Yeah. Counterintuitive. Yeah. It was like counteracting it and I was still like dog walking and melody and I were fine, but I was still in a weird situation. And then she went on tour with Gangsta Grass. And So you were alone?
Yes. And it, this is when I hit like rock bottom, when people say you hit like rock bottom. This was it. Yeah. She was on tour and I started drinking like a fish and she wasn't gone for that long. It was only like a week or so. Yeah. But every night I was just hammered, hammering. Yeah. 'cause wouldn't you buy like a 12 pack of beer or something and drink the whole thing?
And drink the whole thing? Yeah. And. By yourself, right? Yeah. And by myself. So you wouldn't go to a [00:31:00] bar? No. You would just buy beer and go home, take it home and just, and drink and watch chug beer. Just whatever, drink just by myself. Yeah. That's, that's the worst you could do to yourself, you know? Yeah. And I wasn't taking the medication.
I was, she still wasn't home. And I started, I had bought these, the tall, the tall can uhhuh beers, big Budweiser or, yeah. And or past just whatever. Yeah, just whatever to get me drunk. And I, I drank so much, and this usually doesn't happen to me, but I passed out. Oh yeah. And when, when I woke up, I was on our living room floor and I was like, oh man, what just happened?
That never happens. So I like crawled bed. I just passed out and the next morning my headache was so bad I couldn't even do anything like function. Yeah. And this was on a weekend when I wasn't like working. Yeah. [00:32:00] And I remember I went to try to play drums. I went to the drum room that I had. I was renting a studio and I couldn't play.
Yeah. I couldn't even like function hardly. Yeah. Yeah. So little alone, I play drums and so I was like, oh, this is not good. The one thing that I love to do, that I've wanted to do since I was a kid that I'm actually trying to do now, I, I can't do it. I'm like, this has gotta stop. Yeah. And it wasn't like the medication that I had stopped or drinking myself until I pass out.
It was the fact that something I'd wanted to do since I was a child. Yeah. I couldn't do it. It was stopping you. Yeah. I was like, this can't happen. So I quit drinking. And that was cold Turkey? Yeah, cold Turkey. And it's been been 10 and a half years since that. [00:33:00] 10 years and four months. So almost, yeah.
Maybe by the time this Yeah. Is out there. Yeah. It'll be two, it'll be 10 and a half years. Yeah. Yeah. Wow. So that it, that's how much it meant to me that I wanted to play drums. Yeah. That's how it was. And that's why when I was a kid, when I was told, no, you can't play drums, we're not gonna buy you a drum set.
That's it really affected me. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. For sure. Yeah. And how hard has it been, or easy has it been to not drink? It depends. Yeah. Do you still have Oh yeah. Times? Yeah. Yeah. It's. One day at a time still it's like that. And I tried AA a little bit. Didn't like it wasn't my thing. Yeah. I've tried different like groups, like military guys and gals being like talking.
It just doesn't work for me. No. Yeah. [00:34:00] What does work for you then, would you say? Um, like how do you keep yourself in check? I guess you could say? Uh, it's actually the memory of being, being passed out on the floor. Oh. So visualization and how I felt about myself when I got up. Mm-hmm. And woke up, I was like, oh my God, I'm that kind of person.
And going, trying to play drums and not being able to, yeah. Right. But what keeps me, you know, sober there, there's a few reasons now, but. But it's really the waking up on the floor. That's the number one reason that I stay sober. Is that like memory, that memory that I had gone that far down. Yeah. That I was going to do that to myself.
Yeah. I was like, oh, I'm that kind of person. Oh no. Oh yeah. I let that happen. Yeah. Yeah. I got like to the point where I'm going to do that to myself and I was like, oh God, no. Nope. And [00:35:00] now I have melody to think about. I have the band to think about, my job to think about, yeah. Which we're going to get to.
But yeah, if I started to drink again, and it doesn't matter if it's when you're an alcoholic, you can't just have one drink. That's the problem. I, I can't, I, I can't think of any time where I had just, just one beer just hanging out. It would be at least six. Yeah. Yeah. So it's not just, oh, just casually.
Have a couple beers or something like that. Mm-hmm. Because, and since I, I drink that way, I think my whole life would be a crumble. Yeah. What it would do to Melody, we lived together, we're married, and having her like go through me being drunk, just be horrible for her. Mm-hmm. And our relationship would just be just wasted.
It would just be, yeah. A mess. Yeah. Yeah. [00:36:00] And then my band, so I play drums in a rock band and I love it. It's so much fun and it's an outlet of my creativity, but just more of a, a fun thing for me to do that is outside of work, even though I love my job, which comes next, I need some kind of outlet like that music.
Yeah. And. It's, oh, it's also challenging 'cause you have to, you don't have to work at it to get it good. So it's So that kind of thing too, where motivation, that's the word that I'm trying to Yeah. It motivates me to keep, to keep at it. Yeah. And as we have spoken about before, when you don't have something else Yeah.
To do and all you're doing is working. Yeah, that's, yeah. Doesn't help you at all. Yeah. You need something else. [00:37:00] Yeah. And that's what like skateboarding did for you. Yeah. Yeah. Then the fact that, so the years that you didn't have that you were searching for something else. Oh yeah. And now you found it, so that's great.
Yeah. My job, so I was dog walking for three years up until 2019. Oh yeah. There's a good story that's coming because I first for best Friends Animal Society, which who was I worked for? In 2019, late 2019, you had October, 2019 there was an event that they were doing and I had already been searching for an animal welfare job.
'cause dog walking is great and all, but I was always broke. Yeah. Making money as a dog walker is really hard. So I'd been looking for a while, like months trying to find something that I could do and the animal, either a rescue or animal like welfare. And [00:38:00] I went on to their website and saw that they were looking for volunteers.
So I was like, Hey, that's a good place to start at least. So let me do something. So in October of 2019, they had an event Strut your Mutt. It's like a, it's a dog parade. Yeah. So I volunteered and. Worked at that one event and I was like, man, this is awesome. I, I love working with these, these people and all of the animals and it was awesome.
So my first thought going home that day was, I have to work for these people. Oh yeah, there we go. You were like, this is it. Yeah. But like right away there weren't any like openings, but I kept looking every week. I was like, there's gotta be something like coming up. So I think it was in January maybe of 2020, [00:39:00] I think a job had opened up is what we call a caregiver.
And they work at our, our center, which is a adoption center where dogs and cats are adopted out and it's like a storefront field feel to it. And there's cat rooms and dog suites are in the back and people can come in. Find out like who we are, but also being adopt. So the caregiver takes care of the animals like the name?
Yeah, exactly what you would think. Yeah. Yeah. That is a lot of cleaning. But you're also like walking dogs. Sometimes you help out with the intakes, which means when a new animal like comes in, you look 'em over, see if they're, they're ready for adoption, a little bit of that. But you're also just taking care of whatever needs to be done, like dog walks, cleaning.
So I got an interview and this was March, 2020, so I think most of [00:40:00] you know what happened in March. Everyone knows what, so yeah. So my interview was on March 10th, two days later they called me and told me that I had the job. Five days later, March 17th, the city of New York shut down. Uh, so. I was really like stressed out and I was like, what the hell am I gonna do now?
And then the supervisor of the caregivers sent out an email and she was asking if anybody wanted to do the transports. Ah, yeah. I was home, just, you know, fucking around on, I don't know, on my computer. And I was like, yes, get me outta here. Get me something to do. Yeah. Because I can't just be like, sit at home, like on the couch with a computer.
No, it drives me nuts. And it was for the place that you wanted to work? Yeah. Yeah. So I, I started doing the transports, so that's driving [00:41:00] around the animals. At that time it was all, all of the animals that were at the center were in foster. Yeah. So my main job for a year was going to fosters and picking up the animal, taking them to the vet where they had to have something done, taking 'em back to foster, taking them back.
We weren't doing a lot of intakes then because we just, yeah, everything's shut down, right? Yeah. Like because, well, this will come later, but my main job is I go to shelters and pick up animals, pull them out of shelters, bring them into our system. Anyway, so I started doing these transports and it was going well, and so they offered me, we'll keep you on for six months.
Then, so it was full-time, but temporary, so I'm like, okay, maybe this will lead to something better. Six months was September, and in August I got a call and they were like, we love you, but. It went all the way [00:42:00] up to the CEO and she said, no, so we can't keep you. I was like, oh my God. No's this job. Where's the, where's the CEO?
Oh man. I know. She's so awesome too. I'm like, Julie, you only knew me. Yeah, yeah. Back then. Yeah, I know. And that was in August. And they're like, you know what? You have all of your PTO that you've had built up. Just take that and we're sorry, but we can't keep you. I was like, oh, fuck yeah. Son of a pit. Oh God.
So I'm sitting at home, just twiddling my thumbs, trying to figure out what I'm gonna do next. Yeah. And my super, my supervisor and the director then, 'cause it changed. They called me and they said the transporter Robbie is leaving. Yeah. So they called me and said, do you want it? And I'm like, [00:43:00] oh, hell yeah.
Thanks Robbie. Yeah. And it was at the last minute, man. I was just like, I didn't know what I was gonna do down to the wire. Seriously. So I was, oh man, I was so happy. It was so awesome. That's great. That's great. Yeah. And you that, and you're still doing that? Yes. Transporting? Yeah. So I'm five and a half years later, I'm still the transporter.
Yeah. For best friends in New York City. But tell everyone some of the cool stuff that you've done though. Yeah. Because you've gone. It's more than just picking up cats and dogs. Yeah. You've done a lot of different things. Can you tell everyone about some of the cool stuff? Okay, so Best Friend's Animal Society was started in 1984 at they built by themselves a sanctuary, and it's in southern Utah, just 45 minutes from Zion.
It's this 3000 acre sanctuary where they have like horses, goats, pigs, birds, [00:44:00] everything Of course, like cats and dogs, but all this other stuff too, which is really cool. Now I've been there I four or five times, something like that, but I think I've driven there three times. Yeah. So those are bringing, bringing animals.
Yeah. It's in southern Utah, it's seen like 2000 miles. So from New York City it's four days. Yeah, yeah. So what we do is we do it obviously in sections every day for four days. We drive 10 hours and it's two people. And we stop along the way at animal shelters that we're like partners with, so that the animals have a place to stay.
Like overnight. Yeah. Then we go to the hotel and sleep. The next morning we do it all over again. So my first one was to the sanctuary in Utah. And this was in 2020. That's right. This was in the summer of 2020. That's, I remember that now. Yeah. So we would [00:45:00] show up at these, these shelters and they were empty, but so we would drop the animals and go to the hotel and sleep and then the next morning get up and do it all, all over again.
So the first one I went to the sanctuary with Big Boy. Big Boy is a big pity mix. Red, like more of a rust color. Rusty. Yeah. I fell in love with that dog. Oh my god. Big boy. This big. Too bad you couldn't have big boy eating with his big head. His eyes, his loving eyes. Aw. And Charlie, he was a big hound mix.
Oh yeah. And I'm trying to think of the third one. But he was a little pity mix. He was really like wiry, shaking his tail a lot and a lot of energy. Anyway, I took, we took, 'cause there's, there's two drivers, those three dogs to the sanctuary. 'cause what happens is in the big city, some dogs I don't do well.
City life is just not for them. Yeah. [00:46:00] And we're no kills. The place that we take them is the san the Sanctuary. So we go there, drop them off, and we have one day off there. And then we come back with cats, with 20 cats and they all, they're all in, in, in these big wire cages. And so it's four days back. So it's a total of nine days.
Yeah. That you're doing this round trip. Yeah. Yeah. All the way to Utah from New York City. Wow. And I've done that three times twice from Atlanta. 'cause we have a, a lot of people in Atlanta and then we do transports up and down the East coast and we go to the sanctuary and Yeah. Yeah. So we, my record is 66 cats.
Yeah. That's the most you've ever, the most that I've ever hauled cats. So 66 cats. And that was early. That was one of my first transports to, uh, Virginia and back. And COVID was still like raging, so I had to do [00:47:00] it by myself. 66 cats. Yeah. So where do, especially when you have that many, where do all those cats go after you take them to New York?
Right. And then do they go to other shelters? So are there other No kill shelters? What happens? Okay. That case was a little different. Yeah. Yeah. Because there were so many. Yeah. Uh, we went to a partner, uh. Shelter or an SPCA, which is Society for Protection of Animals. But they were in shelter. But then you would meet rescues.
Okay. Other, yeah, like rescues. We would all meet at the same place and one rescue would take 10, another rescue would take, so you have a meetup spot and you have people Yeah. From these other rescue when there's, okay, that one was different 'cause we did it that way. The rule of so many because there were so many.
Yeah. Yeah. But on a normal week, we'll go to, uh, a shelter, [00:48:00] which can be in New Jersey or it can be in Pennsylvania, in Erie, like Pennsylvania. I've driven steam seven hours straight to get to, to Erie, Pennsylvania. Yeah. And the next day I come back with 25 or 30 cats. If they're altered spay or neutered, I'll take 'em like right to the center, but some aren't.
So we take 'em to a veterinarian. We have. Three or four veterinarian partners that we use to do spay neuter. So Yeah. Yeah. Depending on space, that's who we take 'em to. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. And can you tell everyone your experience going to the reservation? Oh yeah. The Navajo Nation? Yeah. Oh yeah, sure. So our sanctuary is only about an hour from the Navajo Nation in Arizona.
So our CEO Julie Castle, she, [00:49:00] I think she started this friendship with the leadership of the Navajo Nation and the Navajo Nation, from what I've heard is that they only have two veterinarians for the whole nation. Wow. Which is. Hundreds of square miles. I was gonna say it's really big. Yeah. Yeah. It's really huge.
And they only have two veterinarians for the whole thing. Wow. There's not a lot of spades and neuter going on. No. Yeah. So the, these animals just reproduce and there's nowhere to take 'em. There's nowhere for them to go. Some people like take them in as pets. Sure. Some of them keep 'em outside as like guard dogs, some of them, but there's also a lot just like wandering around.
Yeah. And so then they have litters in random places. Yes. Yes. So the people who have them as like pets, we do a spay neuter clinic, and I've been out there twice now to help out for the spay neuter clinic. And it's really [00:50:00] cool because these people, and it's for free. Yeah. Yeah. You know? E everybody, or not everybody.
'cause some people they treat animals really horribly. Really horribly. Yeah. But there are a lot of people who love their pets, so they want to do what is best and they know that there can be a problem with like straight dogs. So they come to us to help them out with spay neuter and it's really cool.
It's really, yeah, it's a really cool experience. Yeah. And I know that you, you were even driving around and finding like lits. Oh yeah. So that too. You found puppies and, and a man even came up and told you. Yeah. And he said, Hey, I know about a litter. Yes. Yes. So people knew that you were there and Yeah.
Found you as well, right? Yeah. Yeah. They have our trust now. They do appreciate us because at first, when you're going in. I haven't experienced this yet 'cause I'm not one of the people who [00:51:00] first contacted them, but yeah. Building trust about your your pets isn't easy. Yeah. No, totally. I think when they finally realize we're there to help them not take away their pets or Yeah.
Then it's really a cool thing. That's really great. Oh, wow. I'm doing something pretty, pretty good for the world here. Yeah. Yeah. If you're saving dogs and cats Yeah. Like from being Yeah. Put euthanized and, yeah. Yeah. Because 'cause isn't that a big thing with best friends, right? Is saving animals Yes. And no kill shelters.
Yeah. So what we're, what we try to do is the reason that I transport and we pull the animals out of shelters. My boss is the one who, who decides who comes. It's her and the shelter. You know who, who decides who comes, and then, then I do the driving, but I also do all of the loading and I make sure that [00:52:00] they're all like healthy.
You look at them to make sure they're not sick. Yeah. You do all the checks. Yeah. Yeah. And then I drive them back to New York City. But yes, we have all these partnerships with all these like shelters and we have the, it's the 90% rule if a shelter can get up to over 90% save rate, because you're always gonna have like 10% of, of illness.
Yeah. There's gonna be, there's gonna be some circumstances, right? Yes. Yeah. You know, so if you can get your shelter, it's 90%, then you're considered no kill. Yeah. You're winning. Yeah. Yeah. You're doing really well. Yeah. And so. For us in New York City, we concentrate, like I said, like Jersey, Pennsylvania and tall, and New York State count, Connecticut.
But we have a whole team down in Georgia. Atlanta, Georgia. [00:53:00] We have a incredible woman who lives and works in Alabama in that area, Mississippi and Alabama is some of the worst stuff that you're gonna see really. So we've pulled from there a lot and from Florida, from Georgia, and they bring 'em up, up, up to us.
We have a driver in Virginia, we have in North Carolina now because North Carolina, for some reason is one of the worst states. There's no regulation? Or is that why, or is it just, I'm not sure why, because I don't think, 'cause there are states that are now doing the government, the state like government is proclaiming that we're going to be no kill state.
At least try. Yeah. So with, which is just the East coast like corridor. So we go, they go from Georgia to Virginia to New York City, and I take 'em to D to different places. Yeah. We call it the corridor. Yeah. Yeah. [00:54:00] And you have, aren't you also in Los Angeles? Oh yeah. There's a similar center in Los Angeles, one in Salt Lake City, one in Houston.
Okay. Once in one's in northwest Arkansas, Georgia, just, they're all remote. They used to have a center there, but they closed it. And then New York City. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. Very cool. Oh man, it's amazing job. Yeah, I bet. Yeah. And besides the fact that. You're, it's not a job for you. Yeah. You love it because you're saving these animals.
Yeah. And you're, you're witnessing what you're doing and you're doing something amazing every day. Yeah. You also just have your own love for these animals, right? Oh yeah. And you love, you love all animals, but dogs and, yeah. Cats specifically, can you say what it is that you love so much about dogs and cats?
They're different. So you kinda love 'em for they can both be very like, loving. Yeah. Like dogs, just, I don't, I [00:55:00] live with two cats, so they're, in some ways they're very similar. They love the people. That, that they're close with. They're people. Well, there's a lot of dogs who love being like everybody. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And it's, I that is number one. They are the most loving you like creatures that you're gonna meet and loyal. Yeah. The loyalty is just Yeah. Off the charts. Yeah. And it's love without, they don't even, they do need love. 'cause people think that they'll just love you without, you know, reciprocation. Oh, yeah.
Which is, 'cause I don't think it's true at all. They're still living creatures. Yeah. Yeah. Because they miss you like when you're gone. Yeah. And, but dogs especially, but I keep going back and forth on this, but cats do you know? Yeah. Yeah. You could just put them together in a Yeah. 'cause my wife and I, [00:56:00] melody, she, she loves cats and dogs too, just as much as I do.
We have two cats that love us. My cat, Brett will sit in my lap for hours. Yeah. If she wanted to. Of course. Yeah. You know? Yeah. So it's just like a dog who jumps up on the couch with you and just wants your love. That's it. That's it. They're the most like loving creatures. So in my business, uh, welfare, animal welfare and rescue, you hear and see some pretty bad stuff.
Yeah, yeah. And they don't forget, but they do forgive. So they're highly intelligent. I don't think people give 'em enough credit. Highly intelligent creatures. Oh yeah. You know, they, they obviously feel pain and they miss you, like when you're gone and when you come home. They're all over you. Oh yeah. Oh yeah.
Yeah. It's like the best feeling too. Yeah, no, I know. Yeah. Because you could feel like [00:57:00] their love and they feel yours and it's, yeah. It's just, and that, that's the thing too, when there is abuse Yeah. Or neglect. Mm-hmm. Which is abuse, obviously. I just mean different type of abuse. But if there's, like you said, they re, they respond to that.
Yeah. Just as we do in a way. Yeah. I mean it's obviously they just Totally. And, but I love that you brought up the forgive part because Yeah. This is where like when people who rescue dogs Yeah. Who go to a shelter and get a rescue dog, if they give love to that dog. Yeah. Or should say cat tube. I'm just saying a dog in this.
But cats, clearly there's a lot of cats out there. Cats are just the same. Yeah. If you give them love and you treat them with love, then you are now the one that they see. Yeah. So they're gonna deal with their pain Yeah. And their abuse and anything they've dealt with. Yeah. But if you are giving love just as you would a person, yeah.
It takes time. But [00:58:00] yeah. Then you are now the person that they go, oh yeah, this is my person now and they're treating me really well. Yeah. And that's who, what they'll remember about you. Yeah. And eventually they'll get through it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's what happens. It's, and they have you like ptsd, Ts d We do trusting issues at first.
Trusting issues. I, oh yeah, for sure. All the things. Think of if you like move in with somebody new, how does that feel? You're a little standoffish. You're not sure your anxiety. Yeah. I gotta get the lay of land here. Like cat. Like a cat. When you first bring them home, they run right underneath the bed.
They hide and they're, and they're there for two or three days. Just leave food and water next to the bed. Yeah. Yeah. And just let them know this is a safe space, but they've gotta figure it out. Right. But they gotta feel it. Yeah. Because at first they're gonna be scared to death. Yeah. You know? And anxiety.
Yeah. But we always, it's the 3, 3, 3 rule. Give 'em three days to calm down. Three weeks [00:59:00] to adjust to your like schedule. And then like three months to really see the animal for what they might be. Yeah. You gotta give it takes time. Takes time. Yeah. Yeah. But then they usually come around and they're like, oh yeah, this is pretty, this is fine.
Okay. You know? Yeah. Yeah. But you do, you have to give them space and time. Yes. Especially cats, I would think. But of the dog. And dogs. Dogs too. Dogs. I think it depends too on the, their situation. Yeah. Cats, I feel like all cats. Hide at first, right? Yeah. No matter what. Yeah, pretty much. Where dogs like some are really friendly, it's kinda, it depends.
Yeah. Yeah. For dogs, I think it really depends on how much they've gone through. Yeah. Do you think so? I'm just throwing that out there based on my experience with my dog, but yeah. But I don't know what his experience was. One. He wasn't severely abused or anything. Yeah, I don't think so. Yeah. What's his name?
King or Titan? Something like that. Oh [01:00:00] yeah. I think he was Titan and he was at our center and he, nobody was, was looking at him and he was in in Foster and I had to go pick him up from Foster because he bit somebody, which wasn't his fault anyway. I'm not gonna get into that either. Yeah.
So he was at our center and I would walk him, I love this dog too. I could. Yeah, you would have so many dogs If you lived, I, I would've 200 dogs if you lived in a big place like 50 cats. I was just, oh my God. Yeah. And this guy came in one day and there's, there's online you could go look at had animals.
Yeah. That are up for adoption. Adoption best friends. And he said he went on there and saw this dog and he was like, oh, I gotta go in and see if he's there. So he came in one one day and asked [01:01:00] somebody about this dog. And we went out, not I, but one of the caregivers went out with him and walked him and all that stuff.
And he adopted him. Mm. Yeah. Who would, he was deemed unadoptable and he bit somebody and all this and but this guy with him, he was fine. Yeah. So it depends. And was he like single? Yeah. And without any other pets and Yeah. No kids, right? Yeah. Or something like that maybe. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So we do ask those kind of questions, not we're, we have the open adoptions, but we still ask some questions.
Well de it depending on the animal, right? Like some animals, well, we do have standard, like questions that we ask people, but not certain animals aren't gonna do well with another dog, or Yeah. Certain animals aren't gonna do well. Yeah. So we a, we asked them, I think one of our first questions is, do you have another animal at at home?
Yeah. Yeah. That's cool. So. Since we brought up you [01:02:00] having 200 dogs, and tell me, uh, your dream of Yeah. Yeah. So my wife and I, our dream is to have our own like sanctuary pretty much where I don't know much about like horses, but, and that takes up a lot of space. That takes up a lot of, but dogs and cats, we would love to have a sex worker for dogs and cats.
Yeah. And I. Um, my, you know what I love the most are the seniors. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Because when I was a dog walker, I walked some seniors and that was the ones that I love best. The best. Yeah. Yeah. I know I You're not supposed to treat them any like differently, but the seniors Yeah. Hey, the, the ones that I'm really attracted to.
Yeah. Yeah. You love certain, yeah. Some people love puppies and I love the, and I love the broken ones. Is it because you feel connected to them in [01:03:00] some way? Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Because? Because I'm broken. And if they're broken, we'll, there's a connection. We'll, we'll do it together. Yeah. Yeah. We'll make it through together.
Yeah. I'm trying to fix myself and I'll help you fix yourself. Yeah. Yeah. Well, and us aren't they usually the ones people don't adopt to? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So that's another, I would think that would be another reason. Yeah. It's to like, I'm gonna take the ones that people won't Yeah. Won't take. It's one of.
Kind of that inspiration, not just from loving like seniors, but we have a high level person and best friends who runs a senior rescue. Oh, cool. Yeah. That's really cool. Yeah, and I know him and we're, we're, we're pretty good friends. And so I'm like, that would be really cool. I would love to do that. Yeah.
There you go. There's your next, we could have like broken dogs and then like senior dogs. Senior cats. Yeah. The cats. Nobody wants Yeah. The ch [01:04:00] cerebellar hypoplasia. Dogs and cats. The ones they, that wobble. Oh, there you go. There's your next goal. Yeah. That's what I know you want the sanctuary, but I love that you're being very specific.
Yeah. With that type of, yeah. Yeah. There's your next goal to go after. Yeah. It takes, after five years of transporting. You know, which ones really get to your heart and Yeah, for sure. I mean, you've seen 'em all When you're doing a job like this and you're saving animals' lives, they're all important. Oh yeah, of course.
Yeah. Yeah. Very cool. Yeah. Alright, so did we leave anything out? I don't think so. We can wrap up. You, you have questions for me? We always do the wrap up, like time. Yeah. So, yeah. Yeah. Anyone who usually listens. I always end with some, a few things that come to mind and I've done a few of the same questions.
So I will do one that I've done before and that is, and I may know the answer to this just based on what we were talking about, but if you [01:05:00] won the lottery Oh, what would you do? I would, I would build her sanctuary. Yeah. And where would you build it? We've talked about upstate New York. Okay. But we love Vermont.
Oh, but the winners in Vermont can get pretty brutal. Brutal. Yeah. But maybe try to keep it closer. Upstate New York can get brutal too. Depends on how far upstate Yeah. You're talking That's, that's what I'm saying. It's not too far. Oh, okay. Okay. But up in the Catskills or something like that. Okay. Yeah.
Yeah. Okay. That one was easy. Yeah. You think you knew where that was going? I knew that and I was like, but I had already started the question, so I'm like, oh, nevermind. Yeah. Okay. This is one I don't think I've done yet, and it just popped into my head. Oh. If you could tell the 13-year-old Matt, oh Jesus.
Something, what would you tell him? 13. That's a tough time. Or, I'm a younger Matt is what [01:06:00] I was thinking because it was so hard to, to communicate when I was 13. Yeah. Yes. I would like to say, I don't know if I, I would have but be like, Hey. Try to get help for what you're going through. But the way that I was back then, I don't know if I would've stuck.
No, but if, but that's what I would've said. But if you right now showed up in the bed in the childhood bedroom of 13-year-old Matt. Yeah. So it's you. Okay. So you would trust you. Okay. Alright. Alright. Is all, I'm just making this up, but I know, I would say to him, ask mom and dad to get you help. That's what I would do.
Yeah. Yeah. And you know what I mean by help, you know, 'cause I was, I'm getting depressed and I hadn't had like mania yet. It was coming. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, and one thing I didn't, we can you quickly like. That I didn't ask 'cause we got onto the job and music and stuff. Yeah. But [01:07:00] I You're doing well now, right? Oh, yeah.
Yeah. Oh yeah. And, and, and everything's working out and, okay. So I've been on these medications. Oh yeah. We haven't talked about that yet. Yeah. Because it, this is really important. I want people to, to listen to this. Of course. Yeah. This part, because if you, 'cause mental health is an umbrella saying, and there's so many different things that people have.
But if you're bipolar or even if you're think it's just depression or if you're having like mood swings or whatever, it's Yeah. Anxiety. Find, get help and, and go to a psychiatrist, not just a therapist, because you might need like medication. Yeah. And they could actually diagnose you. With something that needs medication.
And I know a lot of people are [01:08:00] saying, I don't want to go on any meds. It just makes me into a vegetable or something like that. The medications now are very different than they were back in even the seventies. Like lithium and stuff like that. That would just make you turn you into a vegetable. Yeah, they have.
Okay. So I take, I still take Depakote Neo mania, but I'm on this great medication for my depression, lurasidone, uh, Latuda is what it's called too. Mm-hmm. And those two together for both sides of the bipolar spectrum are for me now you have to figure out how it is for you. I'm not saying you have to take those two, but for me they work really good.
Yeah, really good. I like stable. I do have a side effect from the lurasidone. We have like tremors, but I take medication for that, you know, because I'm still [01:09:00] stable on those two, that my tremors to me are just, uh, like a little annoyance. Yeah. So I'll take medication so I'm not shaking so much, but it's a side effect.
Like other things. Yeah, but which one is worse? So, so what I did was I went to my psychiatrist and said, Hey, I'm getting these like tremors. So I, I had some tests done. I went to see people to see what it might be, and they all decided that it, it wasn't like Parkinson's. It wasn't this, it wasn't that. It was one of your medications, like side effects.
So there you go. Yeah. But the thing is you have to go see those people make an appointment. Now, for me, like I said earlier about the va, when I went to go see that doctor at the va. It was getting scary. So try not to wait until it gets to that point where you're Yeah. At a crisis you were, yeah. You never wanna wait until you're at a crisis.
No. Yeah. So, yeah. [01:10:00] And I would, this is a good part too, another like teaching moment that I like to call it Oh yeah. Is is that when medication is maybe isn't working or there's different doses, there's different Yeah. To, I just want anyone listening to this to know it can be rough at first. Oh yeah. To figure out what works for you.
Yeah. But it's worth it. It's totally worth it. It's worth, like you said, making the appointment. Yeah. Figuring it out. And that you do have to go back every now and then. Yes. To have your dosage changed. Yeah. And talk about like how you're doing. Yeah. And, and to keep talking too. That's the other thing. Talk therapy is still really important.
So I'm not saying don't go to therapy. No, no, you do both. I'm saying go to a psychiatrist and have a psychiatrist. Yeah. For medications. Yeah. And you'll talk to them too about what's going on, but also have a therapist. Yeah. Oh, talk therapy is, but talk therapy [01:11:00] on top of Yes. It's really important. Both. I, I just, and as we alluded, we spoke about this before, but also about you don't decide what your dosage is and just stop on your own.
There's so many. I just want to reiterate that. Yeah. It's really important that if you aren't feeling like yourself or you don't like it, go back and tell mm-hmm. Your psychiatrist. Yeah. That's not working. Don't just stop. Yeah. Because that is, that can actually lead to suicidal ideation. Yes, it can. So I just want anyone listening to that to know that too.
Yeah. Because I've done that and it's not good. No. And I've known people who've done it too, and Yeah. And of course where I used to work. Yeah. I know all of that. But it's extremely important to not Yes. Decide your own dosage to not Yeah, to just stop suddenly anyway. To always go and talk to someone. But I'm glad you're doing well now.
Oh man. So good. So great. Yeah, so great. Yeah. So great. Alright, so the final question I always [01:12:00] ask is, if you could start or stop something or both that would help bring you back to your mo most authentic self, what would it be? Say that again. If you could start or stop something that you're doing in your life, okay.
That could help bring you even closer to your most authentic self, what would it be? Or both. If you wanna start something and stop some. Oh boy, I, we discussed this off, off mic, off, off mic, but, uh, taking care of myself better. Like, physically, I would like to stop eating like junk food. I would like to start to eat better and work on my, my physical fitness, because I used to be fit and now I'm trying to get back in it.
Yeah. By jogging and stuff. [01:13:00] And it's just a start, but I already feel better. Yeah. Yeah. And I know I've played sports my whole life. I was a cyclist and you know. Yeah. I, so I know how to get there. I just have to do it. Yeah. Yeah. So I, and you are starting so I have to stop and start. Exactly. Yeah. No, there you go.
Yeah. That's why I always say, or both, because sometimes it coincides with other things. Yeah. But, but you are starting. Yeah. So you gotta start somewhere. And I, and I have stopped eating all of the junk food that I used to eat. Will I fall off the wagon once in a while? Right now, yes I have. But sure. I'm trying to get to the point where I'm not eating any like junk food.
That's awesome. Yeah, that's great. Thank you so much, brother, for being here. Thanks A this. Great. Thank you so much. Of course. Thank you. Yeah.
